The Fortress

I place myself at the seam between ocean and earth there is an urgent cold wind that steals the oxygen from my lungs, and I love it

Waves take turns seeing how high they can crash over the dark craggy rocks of my heart, softening and dissolving through a humanly unfathomable millennia

Will this fortress around my heart ever be toppled? Who put it there? was it myself in a past life? Why did I think I needed it there? Now it seems the only thing that brings me suffering. Preventing life force from flowing freely through my body. The cursed bane of my existence or some sort of spiritual koan? 

How do I reverse the momentum of a comet that’s been circling the sun since before the first grandmother? It feels as if I have no control over it…unless my true identity is the unseen forces of space that propel the comet… 

Do I force the dissolution of this fortress or accept it as it is? Even though I know that which has a birth has an end, the restless frustration of this unending war seems inescapable. Am I to leave it alone or fix it? Is there some quiet secret third option whispering to me from between the lines? A softening, slowing and listening so that one may fall between the crack of a rock and a hard place to the ocean of true freedom that is our identity? 

How can I will a process so devoid of effort? Do I just have to helplessly trust that God will remember that It left me here alone and confused?

I pray for deep rest, I pray for deep peace to be alive and awake in this form. I am weary of the push. God live me. 

May My Heart Be Filled With The True Source of Life

So, I was taking an early morning walk on Mount Tabor Park in Portland and as the sun came up, more and more people came walking, running, biking to the top and I was contemplating “Why are people so attracted to high places in the physical geography?” 

It offers a higher vantage point, more perspective and a more complete view of the surrounding landscape which offers understanding about one’s surroundings and that satisfies the mind.

A higher perspective also offers a beautiful view, which can empty the mind, offer peace, and soften the defenses, which is satisfying to the heart.

It can harmonize and unify the heart with the mind to make a person feel more complete.

It’s like an outward expression of the inner journey towards spiritual growth and wholeness - the inner place of the most complete perspective, where you’re free to love everything including the self.

I don’t want to be rigidly attached to ideals and confused about where the highest perspective is - the place of the most beauty and value in life - the true pinnacle of life - always already lives in the heart. Not necessarily at the top of a mountain or anywhere else out there.

This is the thought that came to me: 

May my heart be filled with the true source of life

May my heart be filled with the true source of love 

Avoiding the Void

Avoiding the void. 

Stop Running! Turn towards the void, move closer and merge with the void. 

I vow to set aside the time. 

Every day, I feed myself to that supreme cosmic serpent. Before a sacred altar, I lower my body into a pit of snakes with not one tightened fiber of muscle. 

Every day, I allow myself to be consumed by the Tiger. Torn limb from limb. Beating heart eaten from chest. 

Whatever prevents me from breathing life into that area where awful fear and anxiety lurk; I grow in curiosity about it. 

Whatever the thing is that I avoid the most: A physical sensation, a particular mental stimulation, thoughts I don’t like, thoughts about death, disease, etc., Emotional unrest: loneliness, heartbreak, existential turmoil and frustration etc. I want to stretch into and feel everything, touch every tension that aches for the healing love of attention. 

Go directly to the center of those dark places As Love. 

Open and soften to my worst fears, I let the breath of life touch them, bringing nourishment to the suffocated.  

Offer myself to the source of life, as it’s present and alive here right now. 

As much as I can, and to the best of my ability, I turn towards the Infinite Source of life.

A sometimes seemingly counter-intuitive turn and much of our culture and society is designed to avoid the void, or at best dance around it. So by default, I have to be kind of a weirdo to do this, I’m going against the grain in a way. But there’s a much stronger current underlying the surface of social anxieties about what the right or wrong thing to pay attention to is. It’s the more natural, courageous and enlightening turn, It’s the opposite of doing, acting, creating, it’s the ceasing of all manipulation, don’t even exert effort to breath, let the autonomic nervous system take my breath. I take off every piece of armor and lay down every weapon and allow myself to undergo a surgery at the hands of demons and angels, both divine and working in harmony. 

This is the trick, how many people are taking this step? How many are trying to avoid the void? 

Are my spiritual practices just distractions from falling into the void at the center of my being?

Can we discuss the subtleties of the turn towards the Void? Here’s how I do it: From the center of my being and with all my might, 1) stop 2) surrender 3) soften 4) open 5) allow 6) listen 7) act 8) repeat. Recognizing and relaxing the impulse to avoid the void is the way into the river of the Tao, where I feel the interconnectedness of life and all is balanced. 

The Void isn’t bad, all my gold is there. 

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